not lost but maybe forgotten

yes i am aware that i haven't updated in a donkey's age, but there's been too much of nothing going on.

i'm back in my reading kick, finding new books to plant my nose in. it's like being in junior high all over again. but in a nice way. without all the funky teeth and gigantic permed bangs.

the hub went back to work today, i don't think he was ready to go, but i think it will do him good to get the hell out of the house. probably do us both good. i suspect i was beginning to drive him insane. i always find it a little bit funny that he fails to remember that i warned him before we got together that i was a bitch deep down. yeah, i'm nice and spineless, but eventually my apathy just peeks through. it's hard to keep the charade going all the time. i do get tired sometimes and forget.

anyway, there's really nothing to tell you about. i went out and bought myself a new paper journal. i just felt the itch to write again, and sometimes i think a little book like that is easier to hide than a big ass website. i haven't actually started writing in it yet, but somehow i feel a little better know it's there and it'll be cracked open soon.

i'm not really sure what needs to be expressed, it's just overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and loss of hope. not unusual, i have them all the time, but lately i've just felt scared and worried and down on myself.

i have thoughts of dying, knowing that my body may give out at anytime. i have thoughts of being alone, knowing that my hub may give out too.

and my poor little boy, who i love most in this world, i shall fail him miserably.

but i can't put the depth in here like i wish i could. i know there are prying eyes, and i feel completely naked. maybe one day. until then i've got a secret shiny book. heh.

i was supposed to start looking for a job now that the hub has gone back to work, but we've also been looking at buying a house, and the loans that we'd be going for would be easier to get if i wasn't working. it's a state grant loan and they have earning limits. i guess i can't bitch about that, but somehow it feels like a limit on me too. guess i can just throw all that into finding the best house.

so that'a about it, i should go and get the place tidy... good to see you again tho.

-pops

seeds - bloom