dejected

oh my dear cucmbers... oh.

if only i could relay the interview with humour and be hopeful about the bumbling idiot that was me, all for your entertainment, but alas, i cannot.

i feel utterly stupid and disappointed in myself. it really couldn't have gone worse unless i had farted or said fuck in the middle of it all. what actually did happen was me sitting in a very uncomfortable chair, in a sweltering office, and stuttering and ummmming my way into rejection.

i didn't know how to answer their questions, let alone sound like an intelligent human being while doing it. i didn't understand half the things they were saying to me, and it was all too painfully obvious. i'm surprised they didn't laugh me right out of the building.

afterward, i walked out to an awaiting audience- the hub and two friends. they quizzed me and tried to make me feel better, but i know i was horrible.

as a result i have given my resume to be handed in at the "last resort cable company". at this point i'm feeling like that will be worthless as well.

i just don't know where to go from here. i'm tired of being looked at in a sympathetic, tilt of the head, way. i'm tired of feeliong like i am not contributing towards the world. i'm tired of just not being anything.

i want to give up, i know i can't, but i want to. i want to just say screw everyone who is hoping and praying and helping, and just lie in bed for a while.

i want babyj to shut the blinking flibberty fuck up before i snap his neck. ok that's a bit much, but a little peace right now would be nice.

*sigh*

peace of mind, soul and heart.

-pops

seeds - bloom