i said whippersnappers i did

so i'm beginning to realize (actually i've known for quite a while now but am stubborn) that i have no friends.. or at least there's no one that isn't sitting about 3 feet from me that wonders if i'm still alive sometimes.

i have checked my email since my birthday about 3 thousand times thinking that perhaps they didn't remember exactly what day it was but sent something anyway... that'd be a negative big daddy. not a word, not a hello, not even an annoying chain email to delete.

when i was in high school and shortly after i was apart of a family. several pieces of my heart in other people. i was comfortable and happy and spent most days swimming through hot syrup. i was summer and i was young and i still had dreams.

i remember aaron told me that we would always be together, the family couldn't drift apart after everything we'd been through... trips, orgies, heartbreak, outrageous behavior that no one else would understand. i argued that of course we would all grow up, some day the crackhouse would fade, the way holly smiled would lose it's shine and we'd all change. i admit i never believed it tho. i honestly wanted to think that i could stay 18 forever. at least in my head.

i miss knowing that i wouldn't be alone, that eventually someone would come to get me and make me laugh.

nowadays it is all a dream, i can't actually connect with the people that have stayed there, but on certain days i get a breeze and if i close my eyes very tightly i can almost feel it.

oh i am melancholy and i do not appreciate being a grownup and watching the whippersnappers experiencing it all instead of me.

dammit i once told a kid to get out of the street because he should have respect for vehicles larger that himself. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SHIT?

nicole will never let me live that down.

at any rate when do you begin to accept that you cannot go back? when will i understand that no matter how many times i say this is unfair and stamp my feet that god will not say "alright young lady stop that or i'll send you back to college".

well tomorrow is easter and i'm looking forward to eating all of babyj's candy. he can have the books but dammit that fundip is mine. because i'm the mommy and i fecking said so that's why now go to your room and think about what you've done. errrrr

-poppy

seeds - bloom